“The devastating luxury of panic overtook me. And it has never left.”

I heard a phrase from a friend this weekend that I can’t get out of my head.

As she was detailing a series of intense dominoes falling in her personal life, my friend half-chuckled and said “I don’t have the luxury of panic right now.”  

She went on to say she first heard the phrase in Taylor Jenkins Reid’s 2017 fictional, old-Hollywood novel The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo.  Although I haven’t read the book (which sounds right up my alley as a marriage and family therapist) I found the phrase was now bouncing around my head too.

Snooping around the interwebs, I learned that the character Evelyn Hugo uses this phrase in the book to describe the feeling of indulging in panic or dramatic emotions as a way of avoiding deeper issues or responsibilities in her life. That’s her quote in the headline above. Here’s another excerpt that fills the picture out a bit:

“Everyone sort of assumes that when faced with life-and-death situations, you will panic. But almost everyone who’s actually experienced something like that will tell you that panic is a luxury you cannot afford. In the moment, you act without thinking, doing all you can with the information you have. It’s when it’s over that you scream. And cry. And wonder how you got through it. Because most likely, in the case of real trauma, your brain isn’t great at making memories. It’s almost as if the camera is on but no one’s recording."

— Taylor Jenkins Reid’s character Evelyn Hugo

That passage made me think of the panic I’ve seen on the faces of more than a few clients in their first session.

Through the lens of EFT, this "luxury of panic" could refer to the tendency of one partner to resort to panic or intense emotional reactions as a means of exerting control, gaining attention, or avoiding deeper emotional engagement within the relationship. The phrase underscores the idea that for some individuals, particularly within a relational context, panic or heightened emotional responses can serve as a kind of luxury or privilege. In fact, my friend originally remembered the phrase as “the privilege of panic,” before correcting herself. For me, the use of the word “luxury” hits the point even harder. It adds an air of deliciousness that seems incongruent with the shock of panic. Still, it makes sense. During a session, panic may afford a client a sense of power or influence over their partner. It may also provide a temporary relief from more vulnerable emotions such as fear of rejection or abandonment.

As EFT therapists, we can work with couples to explore the underlying dynamics driving the "luxury of panic" and its impact on the relationship. This could involve helping the partner experiencing panic to identify and express their deeper emotional needs in a more constructive manner, while also supporting the other partner in responding empathically and establishing healthy boundaries. Ultimately, the goal would be to foster greater emotional connection, security, and mutual understanding within the relationship.

Netflix is reportedly working on a movie version of Reid’s book. No word so far on casting or a release date. If it’s anything like the Amazon Prime Video release of Reid’s book Daisy Jones & the Six, it’ll be worth the wait.